My Poetry and Artistic Musings
Painting by Barbara Bickel
Echoes of my Lineage
I see my mother dancing through skies of ebony
above me her body becomes enshrined
by an alter of naked light
thrown forth from a reflection of the moon
The stars become her sacred adornment
draped from galaxy to galaxy
a testament to love's fullness is space
I watch my mother
as she joyfully tumbles through the ocean waves before me
crowned high priestess by the Sun
who casts down warm glistening halos to the water below
Bursts of bubbling white froth spill forth across the sand
cascading across her feet like the delicate ruffles of a dress
They follow her as she steps back and forth from the shore
disappearing and re-appearing in rhythm with the ocean's breath
I feel my mother held in the vibrations of the mountains
wise women
of all ages
who once sang out to me
who once suffered unbearably for love
I touch my hand to the cold stone
and I feel my mother's mantra reach past my skin
carving itself in untitled poems across my bone
It is her pain that reminds me why I pray
her beauty that reminds me why I want to stay
These are the echoes of my lineage
faint whispers
now melting into righteous roars
as my body begins to speak in tongues
and this speech becomes sacred text
written on the face of my palms
and spoken in silent mudras
conveying back to the world
this one message from the mother:
That we are only this love
this love that finds no beginning or ending in her
~Vanessa D. Fisher
Death’s Heartbeat
Death makes it hard to remember
where I came from
or where I am going
a disorienting clarity that comes
when I stop fighting myself
when I ease into the stillborn breath
of death’s retreat
There are no false comforts here
only the echo of emptiness
hanging with anticipation
on a moment that has displaced itself from time
I find a new love
for the cold sharp edges of truth
they cut through all the markers of my seeming youth
and reveal in my heart an ancient burning
that has traveled to this moment
from the distant past of a bursting star
The space around me pulses
collapses and expands
the moon eclipses my mind
until there is nothing left behind
I kiss the lips of faith
a seamless face
and wonder who will lay with me tonight
amidst this deep
who will surrender to the quiet thunder
of death’s heartbeat.
~Vanessa D. Fisher
Final Theophany
a gaping abyss once opened in my heart
it illuminated my cushioned cave of pulsating heat
with every curvature designed to the shape of your feet
a crafted home for love’s respite
that only Sappho came to tend at night
she laid herself against the cliff of my deepest yearning
and blinded any hopes for the skills of wise discerning
it was in this private dwelling place
that I would often dream of you
the intensity of your touch scorching the secrets of my skin
a caress that always left me undressed
to a rain of butterflies
descending deep within
and I would wake to feel the paradox of pain--
an emptiness that always reached out to form in vain
my heart was now clinging to wisps of air
that I had come to mistake for the weight of my despair
my prayers offered no comfort
as they traveled through these sacred caverns
and draped themselves across the resting place
I’d so long kept in secret
just for you.
it was this imprint of grief that always traced your radiance...
this was my final theophany
a symphony so profound that it shattered sound
and rebuilt this temple on empty ground
it was the dangerously close proximity
that I’d grown to love’s possession
which finally dissolved the walls between me
and its forms of obsession.
and now I wake every morning
only to die,
so that love alone might live.
a life already given
a heart so full
it is forever poverty stricken.
~Vanessa D. Fisher
Photo by Barbara Bickel
The Test of Human Existence
I take refuge in the silence of my heartsong
where invisible arms never fail to embrace me
where I find the only home that I know is true
It is the maintenance of this precarious connection
that remains the test of human existence
To never lose touch with that single thread
that ever weaves our heart back to the Divine
Without this intimacy
life becomes subject to intrusion
prey to the seduction of endless delusions
and so I walk
blinded
like a fool following an incoherent melody
hoping my humility
doesn’t lose its footing
For I have known great women
with hearts of unparalleled devotion
who have broken under the strain
Collapse
You see, the path becomes increasingly dangerous
the more we listen to Love
Opposing voices become merciless
but really, they are the cries of God
begging for our wholeness
It is this discernment that will teach us
this discernment that will beat us
until we submit to be bent
like the curling petal of a lotus flower
suspended in mid-air
and our tears become like morning dew
streaming over the surrendered rhythm of a newborn breath
The body becomes a pleasure that retreats and returns
the heart, a diaphanous instrument
in service only to beauty
It is this discernment that will lead us
this discernment that will feed us
with intimate nectars of truth
No one can give us this sacrament
it is a private offering
a communion
received only
in the deepest recesses of ones own soul
~Vanessa D. Fisher
untitled
fear grips these tender limbs
something unknown moves deep within
a weight that sinks
a cry for something indistinct
an amorphous chaos of forgotten words, seasoned wounds, and silenced screams
they quiver like ripples on a dark unknown sea
an abyss that now dangles beneath my feet
a paved street
a song stuck on repeat
a pitiful sight i am
a branch in a hurricane
attempting to plant roots
an earthworm squirming on pavement
under the sun’s hot admire
my limitations curling and coiling
under the heat of love’s fire
i am stuck again
with no light to guide me
no roadmap beside me
no insight to find me
just this love for truth at the core of my heart
that continues to tear my world apart
i pray every night that i might burn at god’s alter
but not falter
by scorching the lives of those that i love
but like an infant
trying to live by love’s hand
i’m often humbled that i can barely even stand
as the pain of truth feels too immense to bury
yet also too heavy for my human heart to carry
and so i ask:
where was god when eve dove deep
and eden fell from under her feet
and where was god when serpents cried
and beauty died
in the wake of her absence
and i kneel and beg:
please god show me the good within
but i only continue to shed sin’s second skin
because virtue is a composite
composed of its opposite
and the more one seeks and speaks of love
the more one meets their own limitation
and invites false imitation
the more one becomes a bottom dweller
a fearless propeller
piercing the truth of their own confusion
which unfolds in ever subtle layers of delusion
a violent intrusion
on the image of who we once thought ourselves to be
and i ask god:
what is the point of all this pain?
and god does not refrain:
compassion
it is through pain that compassion deepens
everything else will eventually weaken
~Vanessa D. Fisher
The Secret Lover
There is a secret whisper all around us
I sit and soak in your sweetness
it's not out there
or in here
Infinite bliss drips from your lips
when will you kiss me?
A loving touch starts in your hand
and ends in my hand
inbetween
only boundless emptiness
where we never get to touch
how can we touch when we live inside one another?
Skin against skin
I breathe from my belly
all the textures of beauty unfold
my body dipped into a pool of red wine and forgotten sanity
brings me back to this
Scarlet waves of the setting sun
carry the destiny of humanity
but they do not feel the weight of its burden
instead they dance
dimly shaded
carrying love as carelessly as a child
throwing it up in the air
back and forth
with no regard for its sanctity
This is the play of eternity
caught in the eye of a single moment.
~Vanessa D. Fisher
The Art of Theory
Let this theory be living imagination
an artist’s communication
an infinitely varied color palette
in the mind of God
So together we might paint worlds once deemed impossible
and make love towards a future with trust in the unforeseeable
lifeboats
labyrinths
breakthroughs
and cul de sacs
dead ends
rhythmic trends
and unexpected sideways bends
It seems that
like an artist
evolution rarely travels on clear tracks
So let this theory be like a rhyme
a crack in time
a lifeline
to the ever deepening mystery
of Love’s unpredictable creativity.
~Vanessa D. Fisher
When the Devil is God
Hatred rests on the trigger
as I dissolve my love into the hand
of a man
aiming his pain at the head of a helpless child
Rain falls
pouring tears into the wounds of our mother’s body
one more soul captured
by the wrath of the dropping bomb
I open and breathe into the pain of a hundred hearts
and weave an invisible shall
to wrap around their fear
like white silk soothing the skin
I choose to hold the violence of an anger stricken heart
As I lay beside the child caught in the crossfire of its ignorance
There are no boundaries here
at the heart of formless compassion
no divisions between Good and Evil
Fear or Desire
the Devil or God
Here, even hatred is in a constant search for the Beloved
and the Devil holds the key to infinite love.
~Vanessa D. Fisher
The World is a Giant Sandpainting
Sitting in Tonglen, I couldn’t help but be distracted by the waves of beauty rolling off the end of my incense stick. A stream of grey blue smoke pulsing and curling under itself, creating tunnels and spirals--magnificent shapes of transparent jellyfish and sweet malleable taffee, just like the kind I used to eat as a kid. Taking forms in effortless delight.
And just at the moment of its perfect form, it pulls itself apart and disperses into emptiness. Traceless, without suffering or fear, it dissolves back into nothingness. The sweet smell of its formless trail leaves its momentary imprint on my senses and begs me to pick up the pen and write of its quiet yearning, its silent play.
Someone whispers: the universe is a giant sand painting, bound to dissolve and recreate itself over and over again, just like this. Nothing to hold onto. Pulled apart and swallowed whole by gusts of wind as they sweep through the hollow mind, destroying everything we know and love in one cosmic tornado of bliss.
~Vanessa D. Fisher
